Zawahiri Handwriting Analysis

***EXCLUSIVE - MUST CREDIT SORTAPUNDIT***

A lot of people have been talking about the Zawahiri-Zarqawi letter recently, and they've covered almost every aspect you could think of.  What they haven't done, though, is take a look at what Zawahiri's handwriting says about himself. 

As a budding graphologist I've made a few preliminary notes about what kind of a guy this Zawahiri actually is.

• He was born a leftie, but after several years of violent beatings whenever he used his left hand he's now a rightie.  He can now write only with his right hand, while his left is a useless, withered stump.
• At the age of 11 Zawahiri developed inappropriate sexual feelings toward his pet monkey.  After a whirlwind romance the two were married in Vegas by a second-rate Elvis impersonator with a crippling cocaine habit.  On his return home Zawahiri was forced to annul the marriage, but in deference to his obvious affection for the animal its life was spared.  It was most recently spotted playing the part of 'Marcel' on Friends.
• Zawahiri is a devout Muslim, but during his youth he toyed with the idea of Buddhism.  He shaved his head and wore an orange sash for two years, but eventually decided to revert to his original faith because Buddhists don't do nearly enough senseless slaughters for his liking.  You can tell by observing the harsh downward stroke on his medial alif.
• His belly button is an 'outie'.  His penis is an 'innie'.
• Zawahiri originally wanted to run a coffee shop in the Village, but the influence of his over-domineering father forced him to fall in with the wrong crowd.  A classic 'sheep', he ran errands for the bigger boys in his town, such as making bomb belts and stoning homosexuals.  At heart he just wants to be understood.  This is demonstrated by the over-emphasised dot over his initial qaf.
• He's 52% libertarian, 76% facist and a strong fiscal conservative.  About the same as David Arquette.

It's amazing what you can learn from a simple written word.  That is, of course, why I only write in Times New Roman, otherwise you'll all notice my anarchic tendencies from the crosses in my t's.

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